Seto Kaiba We Love To Torture You
by Lasciel
Summary: Everything's coming together and there's a slightly sensible plot! Is it the end of the world? Chapter four RELOADED *Note - Peanut Butter, Seto Kaiba, and Jelly as well as Green Broccoli and SPAM all went here
1. Green Broccoli and SPAM

Green Broccoli and SPAM - Revised

Well, one day I got bored, and was hyper, so I wrote this short parody! Enjoy! Oh, and I don't own Green Eggs and Ham, nor Dr. Seus, nor YUGIOH. And I know that I did Jackie Chan wrong, I didn't use him for the character, I only used him as he was the only name I could think of that would rhyme with I am'. Cuz Yugi I am doesn't sound quite right. Chan I am' does. And Seto's kinda OOC, but it's a parody, and a hyper one, so enjoy! Ya'll likes Peanut Butter, Seto Kaiba, and Jelly? Well here's more for ya!

Seto Kaiba: *is walking down street*

Jackie Chan: *pops out* Hello Seto Kaiba, Jackie Chan I am, would you like to try some Green Broccoli and SPAM?

Seto: No. No, Jackie Chan I am, I would not like Green Broccoli and SPAM. *walks off*

Jackie Chan: *follows* Would you like them in a duel? *Points to dueling field with Broccoli and SPAM at the dueling stations* Would you like them with gruel? *Points to gruel-covered Broccoli and SPAM*

Seto: No, Jackie Chan I am. I do not like Green Broccoli and SPAM, I don't like them in a duel, I don't like them with some cruel. *walks off faster*

Jackie Chan: *follows faster* Would you like them with some gym socks? *holds up SPAM and Green Broccoli filled gym socks* Would you like them with Para and Dox? 

Paradox Brothers: *do acrobatics, with SPAM in their hands*

Seto: No! I don't want Green Broccoli and Spam, I don't want them with gym socks, I don't want them with Para and Dox, I don't want them in a duel, I don't want them with a duel! I don't like Green Broccoli and SPAM, Jackie Chan I am! *jogs off, in a huff*

Paradox Brothers: Can we go home now?

Jackie Chan: NOT YET! *dashes after Seto* Would you like them with Otogi's cheerleaders? *points to Otogi's cheerleaders, which are holding up Green Broccoli and SPAM and doing a cheer to it* Would you like them with a pound of beer in liters? *points to 1 pound worth of 1-liter bottles of beer*

Seto: No, no, no! I don't want them with cheerleaders, I don't want it with beer in liters, I don't want it with gym socks, I don't want it with Para and Dox! I don't want it in a duel, I don't want it with some gruel! I don't like Green Broccoli and SPAM, Jackie Chan I am! I don't want Green Broccoli and SPAM! *runs off*

Jackie Chan: *teleports with special-given authoress powers in front of Seto.* Would you like them with a Blue Eyes? *holds up Seto's three BEWDs covered in Broccoli and Spam* Would you like them with some glue pies? *holds up pies filled with crazy glue and Green Broccoli and Spam*

Seto: *is alarmed, snatches Blue Eyes White Dragons from Jackie Chan* I don't want them with a Blue Eyes, I don't want them with some glue pies, I don't want them with cheerleaders, I don't want it with beer in liters, I don't want it with gym socks, I don't want it with Para and Dox, I don't want it in a duel, I don't want it with some gruel! *panting* I don't want Green Broccoli and Spam, I don't like that, Jackie Chan I am! *runs top speed away from Jackie Chan*

Jackie: *teleports* Would you like them in Marik's care? *pulls away curtain, showing Marik stabbing the Green Broccoli and SPAM to death, then adding poison, since he's a homicidal maniac.* Would you like them with a bear? *points to a tedursa holding up the Green Broccoli and Spam*

Seto: That's not a bear that's a POKEMON! Wait STOP TRYING TO DISTRACT ME! I don't want it with Marik's care *shudders* I don't want it with a bear, I don't want them with a Blue Eyes, I don't want them with some glue pies, I don't want them with cheerleaders, I don't want it with beer in liters, I don't want it with gym socks, I don't want it with Para and Dox, I don't want it in a duel, I don't want it with some gruel! *takes deep breath* I don't like Green Broccoli and Spam, I don't like it, Jackie Chan I am! *runs as fast as he can away from the messed up Jackie Chan and his psycho posse. 

Jackie Chan: Come back here! *uses suddenly gained psychic powers to stop Seto in his tracks* Do you Do you want them you want it with an orange? *points to green broccoli and SPAM with neatly sliced orange slices* Do you want them with Uh

Seto: Yes! You rhymed yourself into a corner, NOTHING rhymes with orange! I'm free!

Jackie Chan: Wait! Would you like them with a door hinge! Yes! *points to a door with hinges and Green Broccoli and Spam atop it*

Seto: *anime sweatdrop* I don't want it with an orange, I don't want it with a door hinge, I don't want it with Marik's care *shudders* I don't want it with a bear, I don't want them with a Blue Eyes, I don't want them with some glue pies, I don't want them with cheerleaders, I don't want it with beer in liters, I don't want it with gym socks, I don't want it with Para and Dox, I don't want it in a duel, I don't want it with some gruel! *long pause, as Seto gets some air* I don't like Green Broccoli and Spam, I don't like it, Jackie Chan I am! Ahhhhhh! *runs off like a madman*

Random People: *stare at Seto, then mutter stuff under their breath about his sanity*

Seto: *has ran into a corner* Ack, no!

Jackie Chan: *walks up* You can't run any more! Would you like some Green Broccoli and SPAM?

Seto: Heck no!

Jackie Chan: Right now you're supposed to say YES. *stuffs Green Broccoli and SPAM into Seto's mouth*

Seto: I'm allergic *falls over, dies*

Jackie Chan: Oh. *walks off*

Liz *Enters* Now, you're not getting of the hook THAT easily! *revives Seto, puts him in rehab, and walks off*

* * *

Well, not much difference between the original and the rewrite. Except the last line, to leave room for the rest of the fanfiction. Read chapter Two ASAP!

  
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\/ C'mon, review, so we can torture Seto even more!


	2. CENSORED on a Stick ©

Welcome to chapter two of Seto We Love (To Torture) You. These chapters have almost NOTHING to do with each other except for the fact that we love to torture Seto Kaiba because he's so cute! And previous chapters might be mentioned, as well as previously used characters make re-appearances. And if I get enough requests, then I'll also torture other favorite Yugioh characters! This particular skit I came up with from a similar situation in reality, so let the torture [again] begin! Oh, and also this chapter is rated PG-13 unlike the others since the word Shit is used everywhere for Shit on a Stick ©. Ok?

Disclaimer – I don't own Seto Kaiba or Shit on a Stick ©

Note – Mokuba might seem a bit OOC with his obsession with Shit on a Stick © but don't mind him He was in NY for a week and herd of Shit on a Stick © and now he's obsessed.

* * *

Mokuba: *enters living room* Seto, why don't you ever buy Shit on a Stick ©?

Seto: Wha? *Just woke up from a nap since he was up all night doing the work he missed while he was in rehab from the Green Broccoli and Spam incident. * Why would you want Shit on a Stick ©?

Mokuba: Can I have some Shit on a Stick ©?

Seto: Fine, I'll get it for you for your birthday

Random Employee #1: *Enters* Seto, I have news about your newest business partner, Shit on a Stick ©.

Seto: NUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Mokuba: Now can I get some Shit on a Stick ©?

Random Employee #2: Random Employee #1, why is your name Random Employee #1?

Random Employee #1: Because when my mother named me she was smoking some odd shit.

Mokuba: Why not smoke Shit on a Stick ©?

Seto: Is everyone in here on crack?

Random Employee #2: But we HAVE THE SAME MOTHER!

Random Employee #1: Bull shit!

Seto: You just had to say it

Mokuba: What about bull Shit on a Stick ©? Seto, can I have some Shit on a Stick © now? What IS Shit on a Stick ©?

Seto: *Anime Fall* GAH! *Twitch, twitch*

Random Employee #1: Shit on a Stick © is a piece of meat sold on a stick in NY but you can't be shure what it is so it might be

Random Employee #2: Shit on a Stick ©!

Seto: Is there a gas leak in here or something? Cuz this is just F---ed up

Mokuba: Why not f--- on a Oh wait, never mind

Random Employee #2: *is drinking coffee* This coffee tastes like SHIT!

Random Employee #1: It also smells like shit... *sniffs coffee*

Mokuba: Well, if it smells like shit and tastes like shit then it must be... Shit on a Stick ©! ^-^

Jackie Chan I Am: *Enters* Seto Kaiba, would you like some Shit on a Stick © and Spam?

Seto: NO! Wait, you're not supposed to be back until chapter five!

Jackie Chan I Am: No, I'm supposed to be here

Random Employee #2: No, Check the script

Jackie Chan I Am: *Checks script and realizes that Seto's right and disappears in a puff of purple smoke*

Seto: I told you But no one ever listens to the only SANE person here

Mokuba: Soooooooooo About that Shit on a Stick ©?

Seto: AHHHHHHHHH! YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY! *runs straight into the door, is impaled on a random knife that just appeared there, dies*

Everyone Except Seto: What's his problem? Now, let's all get some Shit on a Stick ©. *All leave except Seto*

Liz: *Enters* Nope, not time for you to stay dead yet! *Brings Seto back to live and gives him a lifetime supply of Shit on a Stick ©*

* * *

Well, that was MUCH shorter then chapter one, but that's because with chapter one Seto had to keep repeating the previous lines about the Green Broccoli and Spam so that made it much longer Well, with more reviews I'll put up more. See y'all l8r!


	3. Peanut Butter, Seto, and Jelly Made BEF...

**Peanut Butter, Seto, and Jelly**

This is a totally random ficcy I wrote when I got home from Karate class and my head was swimming from falling too many times and I'm somewhat hyper Ya get the idea, right?

* * *

Setting – Seto's House  
Time – Right After School  
Plot – Mokuba had too many pixie sticks And Liz (OC) is due to arrive in 30 minutes to work on the History Fair Project they were assigned to work on together (to both of their dismay).

~--~

Mokuba: HELLO SETO! BACK FROM *is cut off by Seto*

Seto: Yeah, yeah, whatever *falls over on couch, lying down. Has circles under eyes, and looks all around tired*

Mokuba: Should I fix you a SANDWITCH! I MUST FIX YOU A SANDWITCH! *Is just trying to get an excuse to go back into kitchen and eat more sugar*

Seto: *trying to get rid of hyper Mokuba* Yeah, yeah, shure. Just some peanut butter and jelly. *Waves Mokuba off*

Mokuba: *thinks to self*_ ~ Now, how do I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich worthy of my brother? I guess I'll need to use the special equipment ~_ *takes out blender, and industrial-sized jar of peanut butter* Ohhhh *pours peanut butter in bowl, and adds industrial sized jar of Dragonfruit (a fruit from Thailand) jelly, as Seto has very exquisite tastes. * Now, how do I use this thing Oh, I'll just turn this little knob *turns dial to highest setting, 10* Hmmm That didn't do anything

Seto: What are you doing in there?

Mokuba: NOTHING! *Yells from kitchen* Now, how do I turn this baby on *presses button, blades begin to spin* Oh! *Forgets that blender is still on highest setting* Now *lowers blender into bowl* Uh-oh *peanut butter and jelly fly everywhere, as Mokuba dashes out of the kitchen, ducking in one of the closets nearby*

Seto: Wha *since kitchen is just a round doorframe away from the living room and there is no door, Seto is coated in Peanut Butter and Jelly. * Ack! And Liz'll be here in

Liz: *walks in, as one of the servants let her in* Hey Seto, so when Wha? 

Mokuba: *is snickering, at top of stairs now, watching*

Liz: Mmmm! Looks like Mokuba DID make you a sandwich! A peanut butter, Seto Kaiba, and jelly sandwich! My fav!

* * *

Ok, that was random and a good break from writing Tainted Passions. Ah, and now my head is cleared! ^-^ If ya want more random things like this, just drop me a line, or better yet, REVIEW!


	4. Enter Talking Raptors, Dragon QuickE Mar...

Well, for the next chapter I had a few ideas. First was to do a parody of One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish but at the library I had to return the book before I could finish and now I can't find it again. Same with a parody of The Cat in the Hat and The Cat in the Hat Strikes Back. And Hop on Pop was locked, as in I couldn't rent it at all. So here's the only thing I could come up with. I'll try to do better next time, but for now just bear with me!

Disclaimer: Well, this is most likely the longest disclaimer I ever wrote. Here it goes I do not own Yugioh, No Sanity Allowed, Dark Wonderland, The Dare Show, The Dragonriders of Pern, Keyblades, Cheshire Cats, The Simpsons, Capsule Cubes, or the Quick-E mart.

Note - darkshadow-23 I know that you own No Sanity Allowed. I posted in the disclaimer that I do NOT own that story or any of the others mentioned EXCEPT Keyboard and Tainted Passions. Also, sorry that the links didn't come out, I didn't try to make an actual link, just post the URL of the story. It didn't work, so I'm re-posting this chapter and I PRAY it works. And darkshadow-23 if you don't want me mentioning your story then just review saying so, K? See ya'll, and read on.

* * *

Seto: *Wakes up and looks around nervously. * Is the psycho-authoress gone? *Yawns*

Liz: *Appears* So THAT'S what you think of me? I was THINKING of giving you a day off, but now you can FORGET that! MUHAHAHAHAHAH! *Laughs very evilly* Wait, what was I doing again? Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. *Scratches her head*

Seto: Uh *anime sweatdrop*

Liz: *Appears* So THAT'S what you think of me? I was THINKING of giving you a day off, but now you can FORGET that! MUHAHAHAHAHAH! *Laughs very evilly* Wait, what was I doing again? Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. *Scratches her head*

Seto: You already said that. And you were about to give me the day off.

Liz: Oh. Well as I was saying Go enjoy your day, WAIT! You're not getting away THAT easily! You called me some bad name I can't remember so now you have to SUFFER. Now, what to make you do

Mokuba: *Enters* G'morning! Hello Liz, here to torment Seto again today? *Hands her a suitcase of money* And there's payment for the other three days plus tip!

Liz: Sweet! *Huggles money* And yup! Good morning to you too, Mokuba. As I was doing Ah, as punishment– *is cut off by Seto* 

Seto: Wait, you're paying HER with MY money to torture ME?!?!?!? *Is fuming*

Mokuba: As the physician said, you had to lower your blood pressure and get more exercise. So I found a way to do both! I got you a cat and I got you a Liz!

Liz: Yeah, you got him a cat and you got him a Liz! Though I think both those contradict each other. But he's right, Seto, you need to get some exercise, tubby. *Pokes Seto's tummy, which to her dismay has no fat whatsoever* Uh, Nevermind THAT.

Seto: -_- For once I agree with her, those two contradict each other. And I am NOT fat!

Liz: *Nods* Yup, you seem to be quite the opposite, you seem to be anorexic. Actually, I've seen you portrayed as anorexic in quite a few RPs and fanfictions, or underweight in some way or another. I also see you as a masochist quite a lot, and also

Seto: STOP IT! Mokuba's here, he doesn't need to hear all this. I'll admit it, I'm not perfect, and I have some faults.

Liz: Thank you for the understatement of the year! SOME is just the tip of the iceberg. You also have problems with abusing over-the-counter drugs, and halve the time are gay, and once I saw you as a poor guy who lived in the ghetto and was a little bit stupid, and you are depressed, and a cutter, and don't even get me STARTED with you and suicide.

Mokuba: X_x Big brother? Is all this true?

Seto: It depends on whose fanfiction you read. Now, if you read something like No Sanity Allowed (story ID1218117) then you'll see me one way, but if you read Dark Wonderland (story ID 975641) then you'll see me another way. Or then there's Keyboard and Tainted Passions, but I don't feel like putting the links in for those because if you're young enough to be reading and enjoying this story, or if you like this kind of fanfiction you shouldn't be reading that, or would enjoy doing so. The authoress's dark alter ego writes that, a totally different side of her.

Liz: Wow, I think that's your longest line since Green Broccoli and Spam. But it's true, I do have an alter ego who only exists at 2AM and writes dark depressing fanfiction or just plain messed up fanfiction with light to heavy masochism and sadism and kidnapping and homicide and rape and 

Mokuba: There are KIDS here, you can't SAY that. Now, back to the plot!

Liz: There's a plot? Since when? *Shifty eyes*

Seto: *Anime fall* Am I done being tortured yet?

Liz: NO! The torture hasn't even begun! I need to think up what to do Oh, I got it! *Begins to collect magick, then in one almighty blast the whole screen goes white*

~__~~_~__~~_~__~~ Some Time Later ~__~~_~__~~_~__~~

_Seto awoke, cold_

Seto: Ok, this is just getting stupid. Where in the name of Ra am I, anyway? *Looks down at himself* AH! Where'd my overcoat go? My precious overcoat *Mourns the loss of his beloved overcoat*

Liz: Yay, now I have THREE! *Huggles overcoat she stole from Seto*

Seto: Three? How can that be, one from now, and the one from the truth or dare fanfiction. Where's the third?

Liz: The third from The Dare Show (story ID 1403948) which I got when I dared another you to strip! It was funneh. We sold your other clothes on e-bay. Gotta love online auctions! *Smirks*

Seto: I'm going to KILL you! *Grabs knife he got from nowhere and lunges at Liz*

Liz: *Turns into a cat and fades out before he can hit her* Tsk, tsk, tsk. Killing ME won't get you anywhere. 

Seto: Wait, you can't turn into a cat! It's Otogi whose the halve cat-demon who owns the Broadway showhouse!

Liz: Quiet, the pathetic humanoids don't know about THAT RP *Shifty eyes*

Seto: Oh, right. Well, at least then I'm a mage, and a masochistic soon-to-be suicidal mage of the school Dark Chaos at that. Which is pretty cool, considering I get to use the demon dice later on, as well as get to kick Thralkarshash's sorry demon ass with Set in sword form and the Chaos Keyblade

Liz: SHUTUP! And the Chaos Keyblade is MINE; it's just a fluke that YOU can summon it too. And either way, I'm the adept; you're only the journeyman and MY student! Weather you like it or not, and you wouldn't dare use the demon dice, as Mokuba would totally freak!

Random Raptor who just appeared: You know, you totally forgot what little plot there was with that little chat. Oh, and RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!

Liz: This is my cue to leave! *Fades out*

Seto: AH! *Dashes off*

RRwja: *Chases Seto* You know I won't kill you or eat you, I'm being paid to chase you until you collapse and wait for the end to come then I just walk off. So why not just skip to that now? And RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGG! Ahem

Seto: Alright. *Just falls down and silently waits for the end to come*

RRwja: *Walks off*

Seto: *Stands up* Where am I? *Sees a ginger bread house off in the distance* Hmmm, when in Rome *Walks off towards the odd house*

Hansel: *Glares at Seto* Hey, we were here first!

Gretel: Yeah, get your own candy house! *Begins to bark and snarl like a rabid dog, joined by Hansel*

Seto: You two are both too weird *Kills both with his knife and walks on. Both of them just stand up and walk off once Seto's out of sight, muttering about his rude-ness*

Random Witch: *Appears* Come, eat my house and come inside and I'll make you some nice pie!

Seto: I've read the story, you invite me in and then you stuff me in an oven and make me into the pie and eat me. I'm not the first child to come your way.

Random Witch: I swear that oven is untouched by children, I've never eaten anyone!

Seto: And how am I supposed to believe YOU? That oven has been used to cook hundreds of children, most likely.

Random Witch: I swear that oven is untouched, as untouched as Bill Gate's weight room!

Random Raven: You stole that from the Simpsons! Ack, I mean Nevermore! *Flies off, turns into a cow and blows up*

Seto: Now I must kill you, you steal lines from great sitcoms and reduce them to measly spin-off jokes and mangle them like I'll mangle your dead corpse! *Makes quick work of the witch* Now, that made me hungry. That house looks pretty good *Walks off and soon eats part of house*

Liz: Ya know, you weren't supposed to actually EAT the house, just sleep in it as night is falling and since animals haven't eaten it by now that means there's something wrong with what it's made out of so that would make you safe. But now you just had to EAT the house.

Seto: You leave it here, it's made of food, I'll eat it. And either way, I already have shelter anyway! *Takes out capsule cubes* #35, house in a cube. *Throws cube and soon has full sized house*

Liz: Cheater. *Disappears*

Random Dragon: *Swoops down, picks up Seto's house and makes short work of it, devouring it like Seto did the gingerbread house*

Seto: That's it, now I'm mad. I'm hyper on sugar and pissed. I'll give you ten seconds. One Two TEN! *Dashes after Dragon with knife*

Dragon: *Thinking _what can HE possibly do to ME with that puny knife_*

~ Scene Missing ~

Seto: *Is sitting in his new dragonhide house with dragon steak and dragon-bone weapons* Ah, much better. I warned him.

Liz: YOU KILLED THE DRAGON!

Seto: No I didn't. 

Dragon: *Comes out of the bathroom and they resumes their game of chess* 

Seto: I was going to kill him but then we talked things over and I found out that weren't very different afterwards. *Puts down cards* Royal Flush, I warned you I'd beat you. As I was saying *Faces Liz-cat again* So to pay me back for destroying my house he took me to the nearest Quick-E Mart and I got some dragon steak and dragonhide and dragon-bone weapons, as that's all they sell.

Liz: *Has already walked out due to frustration* 

Seto: *Cleans up cards and goes to bed*

Dragon: Night!

Seto: Night!

* * *

Well, that was the longest chapter that I've ever written for THIS fiction, maybe except for Green Broccoli and Spam but that's because I had to kept repeating the previous lines which made a lot of filler. But this is the longest naturally occurring chapter for this fiction I've ever written! And now I have decided to give this a plot! It's Seto's quest to get back home with his sanity in tact! And now he'll be tortured and he won't even have to go anywhere, as he's here in the beloved Tortureland! MUHAHAHAHAH! Well that's the end of that, and for those of you whose fanfictions I mentioned please don't sue me! If you don't like the mention then just e-mail me at coat.chick1@worldnet.att.net and I'll re-do the chapter without the particular mention. See ya!

~Liz


End file.
